I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You
by ThouArtBenvolio
Summary: first poem-fic of the section! Obviously, based off Pablo Neruda's poem of the same title. Johnny is powerless to Jimmy, and finds himself with some conflicting feelings. Jimmy doesn't realize the true power he has over Johnny. SaintJesus SLASH!


_I do not love you except because I love you._

The only reason I love you is because, well, I love you. If I could help it, I would escape from the lies, the tricks, the excuses, and whatever else you have up your sleeve. But…I can't. I'm trapped within your clutches, right where you want me…right where you've been trying to get my since we first laid eyes on each other. Oh, Jimmy, if only you knew the harmful effects of your seductive grip.

_I go from loving to not loving you._

I love you when you give off a radiant smile in my direction. I love you when you wrap me in your warm, muscular arms and remind me of the good times. I love you when you look into my eyes and kiss my forehead under the pouring rain. I love you when you make passionate love to me.

I do not love you when sleep with random girls. I do not love you when you lose your temper and take out the anger on me. I do not love you when you try to dominate our relationship.

Unfortunately, I cannot love you when Will and Tunny are around…

_I go from waiting to not waiting for you._

I take my usual seat at the bar and wait. Men around me ask if I would like a drink, but I decline them all, because I am waiting for you. You see, this is not just some usual day, where we can shoot up some drugs and get totally smashed. This is a special date for us- it's our anniversary. This is that long-awaited, treasured day that only comes once a year for long-term couples like us.

An hour passes. Oh, Jimmy, where are you? I'm waiting patiently for you. I will wait forever if I must…

Time slowly takes away another precious hour of my time. I am, once again, offered a drink. This time it is no stranger asking me, but it's my best friend, Will.

"Johnny? What are you doing here by yourself?" he asks.

See, my friends don't know about you, Jimmy, so I must lie. "I…just…needed some alone time," I reply nervously.

"Well, you're sure-as-hell not gunna find any privacy here!" Has he discovered my lie? "Well, c'mon Johnny! Let's get this started!"

But…I'm waiting for you, Jimmy; although I can't tell Will that…at least not yet. So I decide that you've wasted enough of my time by leaving me here alone, and agree to get drunk with Will.

I nod at Will and reach into my back pocket for my wallet. I slam some money on the counter and demand, "Two shots of Jäger!"

"Coming right up!" the bartender takes the money and soon places two shot-glasses, filled to the brim with the liquor, on the table.

I grab both glasses and hand one to Will. "It's on me," I say. "Cheers!" We raise the glasses high and chug them simultaneously.

_My heart moves from cold to fire._

You lift my chin and place my lips gently against yours. We have a whole apartment to ourselves for a night, and I would hate to spend it any other way. As our kisses deepen, so does my love for you. I run my fingertips through your half-shaved, jet-black hair. It seem as though everything about you turns me on even more. I'm in a rather girlish, romantic mood, and that's all…

Nothing you do to me sparks my anger, until you reach down to unbuckle my belt. I firmly place my hand on top of yours, stopping you from touching my pants.

You groan out of disappointment.

The kissing stops for a brief moment. "Jimmy, I told you- nothing physical tonight. Alright?"

You roll your eyes. "Oh, c'mon Johnny. We're both hard and waiting for something more than kissing to happen."

"Usually, sure. But tonight I really just wanted to-!"

You, rudely interrupting me, continue to try tampering with the belt buckle. You bend down to your knees, and I almost give in- letting you take control.

Suddenly, I realize what's happening here: you're trying to force me into something I don't want to do. Now, if we were to end up fucking, would it be the end of the world? No. But I specifically said I didn't want that tonight. "I said no, Jimmy! Don't touch me!" I storm out of the room, leaving you dazed and confused.

_I love you only because it's you the one I love._

I only love you because it's you. Before I met you, I didn't think I would ever find love. I didn't think I could ever be committed to just one relationship. And, even if I could last in a relationship, who would want me anyway? I let high school kick my ass. I was the quiet guy and the nerd. Yes, I tried drugs and shit and joined some sports, but my quiet and intelligent behavior in the classroom made everybody look to me as an outcast. I knew I had friends, like Will and Tunny, but they're from my childhood. I never thought I could meet someone new, like you, who would still give me the time of day…

_I hate you deeply, and hating you, bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you is that I do not see you, but love you blindly._

"I…I-!"

"You _what_, Johnny? What?"

"I…_hate_ you, Jimmy." The words are hard to force out, but they needed to be said. I pull myself off the ground and get in your face.

You laugh at me in a mocking tone. "Wow, you really think I care if you hate me? This is no news to me, Johnny Cakes." You call me by your pet name for me, possibly hinting that you still care. "Nobody cares about me, what made me think you'd be any different? I could tell by the way you put up a fight…" You pause, breathing heavily. "I could tell, by that adorably stubborn face you put one, that this would never last." You walk to the other side of the room and sit on a chair. "I knew you would…never love me…"

I feel slightly guilty after your rant, and begin to re-think my words. "I don't think I hate you, Jimmy."

You chuckle. "That was fast…"

"I just…I hate the fact that I love you so much…"

You look up. "And…you're _not_ just saying that because you feel bad for me?" A hint of eagerness appears upon your face.

"No. I'm serious. You don't understand the power you have over me, Jimmy. With the snap of a finger you have me bending and changing my ways and doing practically whatever you demand."

"Really?" you ask.

"Yes. And I think the reason for my changing love for you is…is that I don't need to physically be with you to love you."

You're confused. "Continue…"

"My love for you is blind." I smile at you, and I feel so happy to have finally gotten everything off my chest.

_Maybe January light will consume my heart with its cruel ray, stealing my key to true calm._

What could possibly be a better way to ring in the New Year than a celebration with my closest friends? Will, Heather, Tunny, Christina, Rebecca, and…You. Jimmy, of course I invited my secret boyfriend to chill with my friends.

See, you're the type of person who doesn't give a fuck about what anyone thinks. If you want to have an openly-gay relationship with someone, you will do it. That's great; I wish I could be more like you.

But I'm not like you. I'm the type of person who takes much time opening up to people, even those I've known since I was a kid. But can you blame me? Coming out to my best friends that I'm gay isn't exactly the easiest thing to do…

As everybody inside gathered around the small TV, watching the ball drop in Time Square, I was with you, inside.

"This isn't as…public as I imagined it, but Happy New Year, babe." You lean in and kiss me as the clock strikes midnight.

"I'm sorry…It's just…hard to-."

Tunny barges open the door on us. Thankfully, we're just talking, so Tunny doesn't need to suspect anything. "Come on guys! We're doing our first toast of the new year!"

I smile at Tunny, then back at you. "Okay, thanks. We'll be right there."

Tunny leaves, and I can't help but let my mind wander. "Jimmy, you really want to be free. You want to be able to love your partner unconditionally in front of everyone."

"It would be nice, yes…" you respond.

"I can't give you everything you want. You should be able to have PDA moments and shit…But I ruin that for you because I'm too scared to come out to my friends…"

"Johnny Cakes, what are you saying? I wouldn't even have a real relationship if it weren't for you."

"You _could_ have so much more…"

You roll your eyes. "What do you not understand? Without you I won't have a relationship at all. I'd rather wait for you to be ready than-."

"What if I'm never ready? I'm sorry, Jimmy, but I can't do this anymore…Let's go outside."

…And that was the end of it. I couldn't stand seeing Jimmy so miserable, and the fact that I knew I was putting him in that state tore me apart even more. I made it my New Year's Resolution to move on. Now there would be no more confusion with my feeling. Now I could finally go back to how things used to be.

_In this part of the story I am the one who dies, the only one. And I will die because I love you. Love, in fire and blood._

Days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months. Months dragged on endlessly. I was never able to come out to my friends, because without a boyfriend, I never really needed to. But I did need to. The day I died was an unusual one. Only bits and pieces fit my memory now. I remember the bullets. I remember the screaming. I remember you. I remember the teardrops running down your face.

I could not stand to be with you, but to be without you was worse than death itself.

I do not love you except because I love you.


End file.
